So the other night I ran out of milk. For shame. No gentleman should be without the means to make a proper cup of tea, so I ran over to Mike’s, my friendly neighbourhood convenience store. I got what I needed (2% – none of this low fat crap) and on my way out I noticed a very curious small cardboard box on the floor. It was full of curious packages that (thank you Sesame Street) very obviously did not fit in amongst the rest of the merchandise. There was ancient tin foil, weird stove liners, and some other strange box that just said “Beauty Industries Limited” on the side. Like a moth to a flame I picked it up and discovered that it contained… Waterproof Baby Pants. What?
What?
Yup, Waterproof Baby Pants, that’s right. Check it out.
Waterproof Baby Pants, now available after a thirty year hiatus!
I took it over to Mike at the counter and the dialogue went as follows.
ME: How old is this?
MIKE: Very old. [this line is funnier when spoken because Mike is fairly old, and said it with a certain world weariness]
ME: Yeah, I guess so. [laughter]
MIKE: Where did you find that? [he sounds kind of angry, as though it was from his private stash of waterproof baby pants. I begin to fear that I've made some terrible mistake, and will never be able to buy milk there again]
ME: Uh, right there in that box. [pointing; the box is no more than two feet away and has likely been in Mike's direct line of sight for the entire day]
MIKE: Oh… [still puzzling through the scenario]
MIKE’S WIFE: You like it?
ME: I love it! This baby is demented! [she lets me have it for free, in spite of the fact that there is a very new $1.99 price tag on it. WHY????]
Bearing in mind that it is the year 2010 this find is pretty bizarre. So let’s have a closer look at the product, shall we? Or more specifically the baby. What is wrong with this baby?
Squid Baby
I have several viable theories.
1. The baby’s father is a squid.
2. The baby is in the process of testing out whether his waterproof baby pants are also solidproof. This requires concentration.
3. The mother and baby are robots. The waterproof pants are necessary because his CPU is located in his groin (robots have no need of reproductive organs) and the design is somewhat faulty. Seriously: if you saw a woman in public, with a babe in arms, sporting a facial expression like this, wouldn’t you immediately grab the kid and run as fast as possible?
If she’s not a robot is she really thinking: thank god little Toby is finally secure. Maybe my husband won’t drink tonight.
So that’s the packaging, how about the product? Mmmm… Junior will be so comfortable in these. The good news is that if the little guy is ever possessed by Satan and tries to kill you, he won’t be able to sneak up on you, with the swishing nylon. Perfect. I note from the tag inside that these are for a medium lad or lass of 13-18 pounds.
Waterproof Baby Pants: enjoy!
Victoire
September 11, 2010
Honestly, this baby KIND OF looks like Eloise
jerseymilk
September 11, 2010
So Katie likes calamari a little too much, eh? I always suspected as much…
ega
July 28, 2011
This is exactly what newborn babies look like. They tend to be ugly. Comes from getting their heads pushed through a vagina. C-section babies are prettier. Also, any person’s own baby.
These are intended for use with cloth diapers. Cloth diapers get wet. So you put plastic pants on top. It’s basically like what modern disposable diapers do except you can clean it and use it again.
Not to cast too much the sun’s light on the object of your fascination. Which has surely anyways long passed. Still a good story.
jerseymilk
August 6, 2011
Thank you for visiting and deconstructing babypants. In spite of their purported utility they are still weird as hell, and it remains extra bizarre that thirty year old babypants wound up for sale in an convenience store. I assure you, my fascination continues! Please return and comment more!