A Trip To The Lonesome Aviary

Posted on October 3, 2010


Today we have a special feature.  That’s right, a world exclusive interview with one of the funniest cats there ever was:  Lonesome Aviary.  Lonesome Aviary is a comedy blog maintained by a pal of mine who prefers to remain mysterious…  I can’t fully explain it, but I find his stuff ridiculously funny and deserving of some more exposure, so I figured I would try to get my six readers to double his six readers.

I found out about this little undertaking of his almost like it was a secret.  He just sort of mentioned it casually one day, like, oh yeah I’ve been tweeting a bit and I started this, uh, blog thing…  I got excited, since Mr. LoAv in person is please-stop-I-can’t-breathe funny pretty much all of the time.  So I checked it out and just loved it – especially Mithras, and especially that obscure Catholicism has such a prominent place.  He adds new posts every now and again but if a flood of love (cheap Russian companions, high quality methamphetamines et cetera) sweeps over him perhaps we can spur him to hit it more often.  He really likes to get Russian call girls high.  In seriousness, though, this points us to a wonderful thing begat by the Internet – the amusing, interesting, or heartfelt little pieces of themselves that the people you know put online.  I’m not talking about a FaceBook profile here, I mean the labours that your friends or neighbours undertake and throw into the electronic ether without any real purpose save to do so and entertain and who knows…  Obvious bias aside, I would encourage you to check out the sites and blogs of your friends, or encourage them to make things.  If you have an under-appreciated acquaintance whose site merits attention please leave a comment and a link.

Now I could have just posted some link here but oh no, no, no, you deserve better.  Instead I conducted an email interview with LoAv and the results are hilarious, as expected.  I think you’ll enjoy it.  Most of the questions came from me, though some didn’t, see if you can spot them…  Illustrations by yours truly.  And without further ado…  Lonesome Aviary!

1. Lonesome Aviary, what’s the deal with the name? Are you lonely?

Some friends and I were brainstorming band names for our beat combo which ended up being called “Samson’s Golden Knuckles”. We played intense Mogwai type instrumentals, but when we performed we liked to imagine we were The Carpenters huffing Windex. We wore morning suits with cravats. We only played 3 shows, and were beaten up by female bar staff on every occasion. But to answer your question, ‘Lonesome Aviary’ was one of the rejected names that always stuck in my mind, I have no idea why. I am not lonely, though I sometimes suspect there is a chaffinch lodged in my ribcage.

The scene just before the first nose-breaking punch

2. When did you start the blog? Had you been plotting it for some time, do it on a dare, or what?

It wasn’t like the Facebook group ‘Hens’ which I started when drunk one night, then abandoned when I left Facebook, and which now appears to be a bone fide meeting place for hen enthusiasts. No sir! It was more planned than that. I started a twitter account first, got a bit of momentum, then got the idea for the first piece “To Tame A Shed”. I wanted to write something which was a piss take of ‘This American Life’, which I fucking hate. Whenever I hear Ira Glass speak I want to run head first into traffic. Honestly, I’d rather stick my nob in the Large Hadron Collider than listen to that show. I also fully acknowledge that I am the only person on earth who feels this way – maybe that’s where the ‘lonesome’ comes from. Hey, this is therapeutic!

3. Have you gotten much blowback from the Vatican yet?

You mean like when they take a hit on a spliff then blow it into your mouth? I can honestly say I haven’t. Though one night I did see a couple of bishops going through my garbage, obviously looking for something incriminating. You’ve got to watch bishops, they’re the real nasty bastards, not like cardinals, who mostly tend to just hang out and light-heartedly shit talk each other’s robes. It could have got ugly, but I blasted some Cat Stevens and luckily they dispersed.

The Church makes an honest entreaty to build bridges and find common ground

4. Speaking of Christianity – it seems to be an infinite comic vein for you, what explains the appeal?

If you had legions of grown-ups calling upon the name of e.g. the Tooth Fairy, James Bond, or Harry Potter in order to influence law and the rights of citizens, they would be openly laughed at, and maybe even horse-whipped in the town square, in front of droves of braying children. But they use the word ‘God’ and they’re given an audience. The only difference is the name. I try to retain a sense of humour, but this truly disturbs me. All religion is bollocks, I hate it. People deserve better.

5. Were you raised up religious?

I had to go to church every Sunday, and not the 11am mass that the cool kids went to, the 9am one that was full of the people who thought having a lie in ON A FUCKING SUNDAY was sinful. Old people whose heads shook involuntarily, the permanent smell of a sad jumble sale, the priest yammering about fuck all, and I had to wear posh clothes – we’re talking white polyester turtleneck with a blue knitted tanktop. I would have been beaten up by the Von Trapp kids. I remember going up for communion once, about 8 years old, during a phase when I was actually trying to be holy and shit. The priest says “body of christ”, I say “amen”, then as he leans in to stick the host in my infant cakehole he whispers “what have you come as, Lord Fauntleroy? you look like a wee flask of piss”. And I thought, “fair enough”.

6. What is your favourite post?

Definitely air mail, one of those where they have to sign for it. Fuck ’em, if I’m making the effort to send it, they can answer the door to get it.

7. What post gets the most love from your readers?

Well, you’re my only reader, and I think you mentioned you liked the Mithras one.

8. Have you always been a writer, or is it a new thing for you?

Haha, you’re too kind. I’m not a writer, I’m a dilettante (see? I can even spell it).

9. Where is Lonesome Aviary headed next?

Ipswich. They have THREE garden centres, and it’s where Extreme Noise Terror come from. Seriously though (try the fish), I’d like to do an occasional photo series of dogs poking their heads out of car windows. Not many things give me greater joy than seeing a car go past with a dog hanging out the window, especially if their tongue is out. They always seem like they’re saying “ah yeah, nice one” – very carefree. Ideally I’d take the photos with the Hipstamatic app on my iPhone to give it a nice bit of ambience, but that’ll mean I’ll have to be quick on the draw or I’ll miss the moment, or more likely I’ll hit the wrong button and end up wandering off down the street playing Slayer pinball.

10. What question did I fail to ask you that I should have?

“Who’s your favourite 70s Glam-rock bassist?”

11. What is the answer to that question?

Suzi Quatro

12. Anything you feel like saying here that you can’t say to my fucking face?

Like a lot of people, I am in awe of your musical genius and bottomless enthusiasm for life. I feel lucky to know you, and hope my lucky streak lasts a long time. Unlike my last trip to the Casino Lac Leamy, when I had to walk home wearing only my Voivod underpants. Damn, the Uno table was HOT that night!

13. Seeing as that was a bit gay, how about a joke to finish?

Pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel down his pants. Barman says, “why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?” Pirate says “arr! it’s driving me nuts!”

Arrrr!

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Posted in: The Obscure