Posted on December 20, 2010

Recently the world of high finance took me to the bustling metropolis of Edmonton.  I drove a pickup truck for the first time in my life; a wonderful trip.  When driving said pickup into town I came upon two huge antique malls and couldn’t help but check them out.

Wow.  Holy.  Junk hunters, let it be known that Edmo is an utter mecca for, well, everything.  Especially furs of all sorts.  I went somewhat crazy, spent many hours shopping, and came out with all sorts of great things, foremost among them a weird little proto-zine called…

Finally a chance to get at the truth!

Yes folks, a homemade sasquatch book from 1968!  Oh man is this one ever a beauty.  As I read through it I’ll likely post more detailed reviews, but I can’t resist a few highlights right off the bat.  First – the book begins with a signed letter from G. Clifford Carl, Director of the British Columbia Provincial Museum.  The first line of the letter is:

Do Sasquatches really exist or is the whole business a gigantic hoax?

Good question!  The book features numerous tales and cases, all of them awesome and hilarious.  For the ape fetishists out there, there is also this lovely picture of a lady sasquatch:

Putting the "sass" in sasquatch

Fetching.  And then there is this crazy story of the “Ape Canyon hostilities of 1924”.  That’s right.  Here’s one of the protagonists, Mr. Fred Beck:

Fred Beck: sasquatch KILLER!

Here’s the story:

They had occasionally seen huge footprints but did not know what to make of them until one day they saw a big ape-like creature peering out from behind a tree.  One man fired and apparently hit it in the head, but it ran off.  Next Fred Beck met one of the apes at the canyon rim and shot it in the back three times.  It fell down a cliff into the canyon, but they never found a body.

At night the apes counter attacked, opening the assault by knocking a heavy strip of wood out from between two logs of the miners’ cabin.  After that there were assorted poundings on the walls, door, and roof, but the building was designed to withstand heavy mountain snows and the apes failed to break in.  There is a general impression that a large group of apes hurled big rocks at the cabin.  Mr. Beck does not altogether confirm this.

What the?  All I can say is that it’s a good thing Fred Beck is all but certainly dead, otherwise I’d track him down and make him pay.  He’s roaming around the woods, and sneaks up on a sasquatch and murders it by shooting it in the back?  Screw you, Fred Beck!!  And what is Beck hiding by denying that the apes threw rocks at the cabin?  That’s probably a heretofore unknown sasquatch funeral ritual.  What a jerk.  What have we learned?  If you value your life, don’t wear a fur coat if any of Fred Beck’s descendants are anywhere nearby.  The yokels tried shooting more sasquatches from the cabin but didn’t hit any, and then they disappeared at dawn.  For shame.

And one final picture…  the author decides to prove that giant apes could exist by including a picture of a giant ape.  How freaking scary is this photo?!?

No caption could do this justice.

Hope you enjoyed the sasquatches!  Confidential to Godo:  I’m sorry they didn’t have two copies.

Posted in: The Obscure