Ladies take note: your greatest worries are no more

Posted on June 6, 2011


Those who know me even a little, and those who have visited my lair will confirm for you a true fact: I collect a lot of obscure junk.  If you collect junk hard enough you will eventually become known amongst your various associates as being a collector of junk, and slowly but surely they will start giving you curious things that they think you might like.  This can be truly awesome (as detailed below) or it can be a nightmare of fake appreciation.  Sometimes the unobservant will fixate on one single thing and make of it a pattern.  Say you have an owl table (I do), they will extrapolate onto you that you “like owls” and under this guise will buy or garbage pick for you all manner of creepy, crappy, awful owl items.  But one must be grateful, of course, and fake it well – this is a principle tenet of WASP civilization – so there is no effective way to escape this fate once it happens to you.

But!  Today we’re going to focus on the good side of this phenomenon.  Sometimes your associates will stumble upon something incredible, that they would otherwise toss, but which winds up dropped in your mailbox in the middle of the night.  So it happened with the book “Are you in the know?” which came into my possession under cover of darkness.  The subtitle says it all:  about etiquette, dating, grooming, fashions, this n’ that.

It is a ladies etiquette manual.  I flipped through it and it is so gonzo and over the top that I just assumed that it was a modern parody.  But no!  The pages were sufficiently weathered…  the copyright was 1956.  Holy hell!  It’s easy to forget the utter insanity of our society some fifty or so years ago.  Every time someone pines for the simpler, white bread days of Buddy Holly and Eisenhower just remember this stuff!  We’ve come a long way baby.  The book consists of numerous illustrated multiple choice scenarios for the young woman to puzzle through.  They speak for themselves, so without further ado, enjoy:

Useful if you have only recently become a human being and learned how to be alive

That's right fatty! No sweaters for you, ever!

Forget what the book says, I know a gold digging Jezebel when I see one.

Once again, who needs to be told to pack weather and activity appropriate clothing? This is advice for complete idiots.

And there’s so much more!  There are sections on dating, etiquette, and a grab bag of crazy advice on what to do if you’re taller than your beau, or how to select the correct Kotex size.  A million thanks to my man for discovering this gem!  If popular demand calls for it I will post some more excerpts.

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Posted in: The Obscure