Layin’ pipe. All night long.

Posted on June 13, 2011

Those familiar with being alive will be unsurprised to hear espoused the view that the lyrics of popular songs… suck.  Great.  And the sky is blue and pandas are cool and so on; tell us something we don’t know, mister blogger.  Very well.  I am not here to dwell on this general phenomenon, and in truth the lyrics of a lot of popish songs aren’t even supposed to be great or revelatory; they’re just there.  They’re dumb, they’re fine, everything is great.  No, noble readers, I’m here to delve ever so briefly (because it’s a filthy business, and if you lay down too long with dogs you do indeed get fleas) into extremely poorly executed innuendo in pop music, which will eventually take us to a piece of music that yours truly recently prepared, for your enjoyment (link near the end of the article – listen to the song!  I bleed for you!).

For some unknown and inexplicable reason a disturbing number of lyricists like to sex-up their tunes, but on the sly.  They use the amazing technique of innuendo or double entendre.  When done well this can be amusing or effective or what have you, but when attempted by the witless or the lazy bad things happen.  Very bad things.  And so many people can’t help but do it!  Let’s take a look at our first example, the esteemed Peter Gabriel, and his tune Sledgehammer.  If you’re like me you have fond memories of watching the wacky video as a child.  Good chorus.  Cool.  But!  Check the filth factor in this nice verse:

 I want to be your sledgehammer
why don’t you call my name
oh let me be your sledgehammer
this will be my testimony
show me round your fruitcage
‘cos I will be your honey bee
open up your fruitcage
where the fruit is as sweet as can be

I think this is not about a hammer.  Maybe.  Clever eh?  Open up your fruitcage?  Really?  What the hell IS a fruitcage?  Like a breadbox/jail for berries and grapefruit or something I guess.  Not good.

Peter Gabriel, chatroulette early adopter / pervert

Next, how about everyone’s favourite bearded hicks, ZZ Top!  They’re cool, right?  Wrong.  These are grown men who actually wrote and released a song called Tube Steak Boogie.  For real.  Behold.

I got a girl she lives cross town,
She’s the one that really gets down.
When she boogie,
She do the tube steak boogie.
Well now boogie little baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

Ha, ha, the Tube Steak Boogie is just a dance, right?  Right.  Ohholyshitwaitit’snot!!!  Hilarious!

Shave your guitars and your stupid faces, jerks.

Now it’s time for a deep pull… something that absolutely enraged me for its stupidity, even when I was fifteen.  Remember these knobs?

Life jackets from the future failed to become a fashion trend, in spite of some real effort

That’s right!  It’s B4-4.  See the name is really good, because the number BEFORE FOUR is three, and there are <surprise>three</surprise> fake tanned, roided up, oiled up dudes in the band.  It’s also their combined IQ.  Some record executive decided to play a prank on the world and gave these guys a contract, to prove his more cynical pal wrong when he claimed that anybody could become a star.  That record exec committed suicide three months later by hurling himself off of a fourteen storey high pile of money.  Anyway, the boys put out a sweet tune called Get Down, which has some references so subtle they might be missed by the inattentive listener.  Lucky for you, I’m here.  The song goes:

I wanna make you come tonight…
…over to my house.
If you get down on me…
I’ll get down on you.

Hmm.  Hmm.  Sit back for a minute.  Mull it over.  I think they’re not referring to dancing, maybe.  Possibly.  If you’d like to puke in your mouth then watch this video for the song.  It’s horrid.  The plot appears to be (for real) that some kid is watching B4-4 play volleyball with chicks on a beach through a magic viewmaster.  Then the kid runs on to the beach and flexes his muscles, attracting all the chicks.  Later he repeats the same feat by slam dunking during a game of basketball, while B4-4 looks on in frustrated bewilderment.  Then at the end of the video he gives the magic viewmaster away to a hobo.  What the hell is that?  Enjoy:

Oh and lastly, before we get to the main event, let’s not forget my favourite band:  The (shitty) Constellations.  They are a really cool, funky group from Atlanta.  I love them.  They wrote a clever song called Felicia.  I think it’s about driving or something.

she’s got her hand on the wheel and one on the stick 
yeah she’ll put you in gear with the twitch of her neck… 
oh Felicia babe I think I really really need ya 
So sexy when you’re working on your knees girl 

Good one, dudes.

Thanks bro!

And now the ultimate!  The greatest!  The mastermind of stupid innuendo and so on in popular music.  My main man, David Wilcox!!

Layin' the god damned pipe. Big time.

My man penned an absolutely amazing tune called Layin’ Pipe.  It’s crazy.  But!  I have never actually heard it.  I have only heard of it, and oh baby, is it ridiculous.  You see, it’s about a plumber.  But wait!  Is it?  You can find the lyrics below.  I heard about this and loved it immediately, obviously.  My pal Deepak then suggested I cover it.  I readily agreed, with a twist.  Deepak printed off the lyrics for me and mashed them up so I couldn’t deduce the song’s structure.  So here you have, dear readers, a cover of a song that I have never actually heard.  It’s totally stupid, befitting the source material.

Laying The Pipe – click and listen!  You won’t regret it!

Care to sing along?  Here are the lyrics to Layin’ Pipe.  If you have some notorious examples to add please comment away.  Thank you, D. Wilcox.

My daddy worked construction
My brother too
He got me in the union
I’m payin’ my dues

Oh but the woman I love 
Has expensive taste
She’s never satisfied
The latest things
A diamond ring
A car with an ultra-glide

I work so hard 
Payin’ for all that stuff
Eight shifts a week 
It’s never enough

I’m layin’ pipe all night long
Layin’ pipe
I’m workin’ so hard
I’m layin’ pipe
All night long
Layin’ pipe
To satisfy that woman

I don’t mind working
If the money’s okay
I take the night shift
I sleep all day

Dust and mud is in my blood
Underground cable in my way
I punch a clock and start my rig
Don’t know how deep I might have to dig

I wish I had a million dollars
To buy her everything she needs
She’d only come back for more and more and more and more and more and more and more

I’m layin’ pipe
All night long
Layin’ pipe
I’m working so hard
I’m layin’ pipe
All night long
Layin’ pipe
To satisfy that woman

I put the pipe in
I pull it out again
My back is so sore
I can’t work much more
I can’t get my traction
The ground’s too wet
I take a ten minute break
Ah smoke a cigarette
I don’t mind the night shift
The cool breeze when the sun goes down
Winter time the ground is hard
Take twice as long to drill down

I’m layin’ pipe
All night long
Layin’ pipe
I’m working so hard
I’m layin’ pipe
All night long
Layin’ pipe
To satisfy that woman

Posted in: Music