More compelling evidence that a life of crime is a very bad idea

Posted on June 19, 2011

Not many people can say that their parents met in prison.  I can.  Sort of.  Okay, they met in the employ of Canada’s federal prison system, but still.  My dad worked as a guard and parole officer, and my mom was a parole officer and a warden.  That’s right: my mom was a prison warden.  Trust me, you don’t want to mess with her.  She shivved, like, four guys, and tear gas doesn’t work on either my mom or my dad.  That’s a hard upbringing, let me tell you.  As children my brother and I would rattle our cups against the bars for hours, which in retrospect was kind of fun.  We would make up little songs to pass the days, that sort of thing.  Ah childhood…

This being Father’s Day I think back to some timeless advice my very own dad once gave me.  I asked him how I would fare in prison.  He considered my question very briefly and said with great certainty, shaking his head slightly:  “you’d get killed in a week”.  He was dead serious, and – I expect – one hundred percent correct.  He went on to tell me that my only chance would be to fake crazy from minute one and hope for the best.  Noted.  If I ever do get sent up the river I’m going to strip off all of my clothes, have extensive conversations with Batman, and spend a lot of time hanging out in my own feces.  Oh god prison scares the hell out of me…

My mom, having had a lengthy career with Corrections Canada, was lucky enough to come into possession of one of the weirdest decks of cards ever produced.  If THIS doesn’t scare you straight, nothing will.  The cards were produced by the John Howard Society of Greater Moncton in 2002, as part of the Be S.H.A.R.P. program (I think it stands for Shoot Heroin And get Raped in Prison).  The objective of the cards is to give inmates some very useful information about Hepatitis C risks and prevention strategies.  Good idea.  However, the cards themselves are adorned with the artwork of inmates, and the artwork is nuts!  And sometimes terrifying!  If this is indicative of the mindset of the dudes you’ll meet in the joint then you probably want to think twice about committing that “perfect murder” you’ve been sketching out.  Except for the guy who drew the kitten; I’d like him as a cellmate.  Behold!

The controversial cerebral chastity belt, protecting us from sexual offenders since 1998.

Satan really puts the "flame" in Flamingly Gay Demonic Cardshark

Vanilla Ice, thwarted sperm donor

If any of my readers get this tattoo I will happily pay for it

Awww... the prison kitten fell asleep a boot. <talking to animals voice> He was so tired the stabbing didn't even wake him up, did it little guy? No, cause you're tired, you're just a tired kitten </talking to animals voice>

Trying to actually play cards with this deck is more than a little distracting, but it will keep you out of prison for sure.

Posted in: The Obscure