You didn’t know how much improving your life needed, but now you do, and we can help

Posted on August 7, 2011


Catalogue-based businesses are going the way of blacksmiths, and answering services, and stock brokers.  That is to say:  rushing headlong toward extinction.  The current generation of children will marvel at the idea of murdering thousands of trees to create disposable booklets of crap for sale that you can’t ever see, or touch, or try on.  You just buy it, and you buy it by sending currency in the mail.  What the?  Trust me kids, it was great.  You don’t know anything.

I once made my own “porno” in grade three or four with Corey Trudeau by cutting out pictures of ladies in lingerie from the Sears catalogue.  Oh WonderBra.  I had no idea what a “porno” actually was.

Thankfully at least one catalogue based business is still around and going strong.  You know it…  SkyMall!  It’s the perfect business idea.  Find a place where people are utterly trapped, hopelessly bored, and give them hundreds of crappy and tasteless products to peruse.  They’ll probably look through the whole catalogue twice, simply for want of anything better to do.  It’s genius.

I fell gleefully into SkyMall’s trap a while back, and have been meaning to bring to your attention a few great products.  First off, there is apparently competition in the marketplace of devices that will allow your pet dog to take a dump in your house.  Huh?

Utterly neglectful pet owner? No problem!

So essentially this is a scented welcome mat that allows you to marinate astroturf in dog piss.  And it costs a hundred dollars!!  Can you imagine how utterly disgusting this thing would be after maybe three uses??  Repellant.  Here’s an idea for people who live in high-rises and are never home:  don’t get a dog.  But apparently there are options for people who would like to have dogs do their business in their houses.  Behold…

An indoor Noah's Ark of feces. Yay!

So here rover gets a little plastic hydrant to soil.  Extra fun to clean!  And sprinklers pop up and spread the urine around too.  Good feature.  And all this for $280!  Act now, folks.  If you don’t have a dog this is a good reason to get two.  But the weirdest feature of this one is that it is specifically marketed for outdoor use.  What?  Imagine you have a yard which a dog can hang out in.  Great.  I guess you’re meant to put this piece of junk out there to ruin your yard, and set up the drain hose so you can funnel as much urine as possible into one particular place.  ??

You'd better have a damned good reason for deploying this thing.

I can honestly say that I would rather break my neck and drool on my seatmate than break this thing out.  Any day.  I also like that fact that they apparently just snapped a random picture of someone using the thing in 1994.  I really like that the man in question is wearing fairly effective camouflage designed specifically for this plane.  I dare someone to get and use on of these on a city bus.  Please.

And finally here is a really nice idea:

Be the worst person you can be

Holy hell.  Are you a jealous, obsessive monster?  Are you paranoid and controlling?  Are you itching to commit a murder and looking for an excuse?  Well!  Have we got the thing for you.  Really and truly, save yourself two hundred bucks, pack up your belongings while he/she is at a cheap motel and leave.  And never come back.  How freaking creepy is this?

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Posted in: The Obscure